Diffusing Resistance
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You can watch the 55 sec. video or read the extended content below.
Manager: I need your monthly report. It was due two days ago.
Employee: Yeah, I had a few jobs come up that took priority.
M: The report IS a priority. I need you to get them to me on time in the future. You are constantly late.
E: I’m not always late.
M: Mostly you are. You need to get with the program and get them to me on time, every time.
E: Well, if you didn’t load me up so much, I might be able to.
And the conversation goes on and on, with resistance escalating all the while.
The I’m right-you're wrong approach sets a powerful context for both parties to get absolutely nowhere. It’s like boxers in the ring, circling each other, each attempting to land a few punches, defend their position, hoping their next punch will be the one that knocks their opponent to the ground, while the crowd roars.
Only, in verbal punch ups like these, nobody really wins. Mostly, it just winds up in an uncomfortable impasse to be continued…….
One way to avoid building resistance from the start is to enter difficult conversations with the goal of getting on the same page: “Hey Bob. I’d like to have a conversation about how we can get your monthly reports submitted on time. I’ve noticed you’re under the pump - is there anything we can adjust to make this easier for you?
This validates the load the individual is carrying, which immediately diffuses the situation so they don’t feel blamed. Then shifting towards open-ended questions, by using words such as how and we, builds a sense of shared responsibility and moves everyone into a healthier solution-finding space. Now the reports are the problem that needs solving rather than the employee who is “wrong”.
When you notice resistance entering an important work conversation, try to avoid impasse by putting yourself on the same side as the other person, rather than in opposition to them. Step back and try asking how can we (solve this)? to clear the way towards finding a happier solution.
Those three little words go a long way to diffusing resistance and they mean so much for relationships.
Ray
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"You're wrong, I'm right" brings to mind a delightful interchange with a colleague of mine, S. We often had great discussions about research approaches, with that pattern. Then one day, S changed his position: "Bob, I agree with you, we must both be wrong!"
Nice one Ray - good lesson on EQ!